Worst. Franciscan. Ever. 

That would be me.

Seriously, there are oodles o' days where I feel like an Utter Franciscan Failure. I forget to pray when tempted. Fly off the handle. Let myself get sucked into a gossip-laden conversation with coworkers. Procrastinate. Get pathetically lazy about praying the Divine Office, which I'm obligated to do, and regularly reading our Rule. I could go on and on and on, but it's way too depressing.

I was reminded of my shortcomings yet again last week, when I suffered through a wretched meeting at work wherein I and my fellow writers were unexpectedly -- and undeservedly -- subjected to a BashFest. I don't do well in defending myself when folks start slamming me, in a meeting, in front of others, because I never see that kind of crap coming and am caught off-guard. (You'd think I'd learn.) I wouldn't do it to others, and so I never expect others to do it to me. But, it happens, and it happened Thursday.

I tried to defend myself and the other writers (who weren't present, btw) during the meeting, but could've done loads better. For the rest of the day, I was grumpy and upset, and it only got worse as time passed. When the workday was over and I finally walked through the front door, poor Husband Mike had to endure Lots Of Frustrated Yelling from me as I vented and complained. I can't remember the last time I've been so angry over something work-related, and I was actually feeling nauseous from it. I knew I had to Get Over It, but the more I tried to stop thinking about it, the more it filled my head.

And then we had to go to Mass, it being All Saints Day. Because of my bad mood, I snapped at Husband Mike over something trivial as we were leaving, which of course Ticked Him Off. On the drive there, I silently continued the struggle to Get Over It, and failed. Thanks to me, we were both grumpy and upset when we pulled into the parking lot.

Great way to head into Mass, I thought. A second later, I was smacked upside the head with sorrow. I apologized to Husband Mike over my behavior and Inability To Stop Thinking About Work. And he asked me, "Well, have you tried praying about it?"

Duh.

Of course, I hadn't. In fact, it hadn't even occurred to me to pray for help with getting past my livid-murderous-seethingness. Yet again, Lisa = Freakin' Dumbass Of A Franciscan.

During Mass, as we sang the Litany of the Saints for the Processional, I choked up over the refrain, "All you holy men and women / pray for us". Pray for us. Please, you holy men and women, pray for us. Pray for me. Pray that the Lord will help me overcome my stupidity, laziness, and anger, because I can't do it on my own. Jesus, have mercy on me, a sinner. Please, help me. You know I'm an idiot. Without You, I don't stand a chance.

Thank God for the Mass, and for the saints. Pray for us.

Labels: franciscan, mass, prayer, reflections, saints

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posted by Lisa, ofs | Permalink